It’s been a while since we’ve had a blog update, and if I’m being honest, I just haven’t felt inspired to write over the last couple of months. The world has felt extra heavy lately. I am not a news watcher, in fact no news channels are allowed on in this house when we’re all home together. But that doesn’t stop what is happening in the world around me from seeping in through other platforms, like social media or conversations with friends and family. I am by no means saying I am turning a blind eye to what is going on daily out there in the big wide world, but I’ve found the need to shelter my heart and my feelings more and more. If that means living in a little bubble here on the farm in a state of disconnect, then so be it.
I didn’t know that after having my beautiful baby girl and coming home that the world was about to shift monumentally. My world was already shifting all on its own; figuring out motherhood, navigating life at home with a baby, trying to love this body and all the changes that happened while giving birth to my little miracle, keeping my marriage a priority, dealing with the baby blues. I think life as a new mother is HARD, but life as a new mother during a pandemic is just plain cruel. All I wanted was my own mom to be by my side, to come over for an afternoon to hold a baby so I could shower and grab a nap, to maybe make the pile of laundry building in our bedroom disappear. But more than that, I wanted my mom because she loved ME. While everyone wanted to see the baby, hold the baby, ask about the baby, it was my mom who always asked first how was I doing? What did I need? I think we all too often forget about the mothers when the bright beautiful baby arrives.
A lot of plans for what this year would look like changed dramatically and we managed to roll with the waves as they came. Lockdowns, restrictions, political unrest, social issues. For someone who feels a lot at the best of times, I was feeling all of this very deeply. The holidays came and went looking a lot different this year for many families. There were no family turkey dinners and gift exchanges around the tree. Instead there were Facetime calls and Skype visits. There were outside visits to do chores and take forest walks. There was a lot of divide.
I’m not perfect, and I’ll never pretend to be. I’m just trying to navigate this new world we are living in to the best of my abilities, in a way that will keep me and most importantly, my family, safe. I don’t think anyone knows what the right thing to do in this situation is, government and medical professionals included, because guess what, we’ve never lived through a global pandemic before in this lifetime! I think each of us as individuals have made the choices that best suit us and our needs. Did my choices upset people? Probably. Did I feel like there has been tension? Absolutely. Have I missed out on some milestones in life? You bet. But what I didn’t do was judge anyone for their decision, because it wasn’t my place to decide what was best for them.
I’m tired. I’m tired from sleepless nights with a new baby. I’m tired from the emotional weight I’ve been forced to carry since all this started. I’m tired from having to defend my decisions. I’m tired; emotionally, physically, mentally. But I get up each morning, and I get dressed, and I pour a cup of coffee and I watch as the sun rises outside my window and I know that it’s a new day. It’s one day closer to a possible end. It’s one more day I have been blessed with on this earth. It’s one more day I get to laugh and play with my daughter. It’s one more day I get to walk outside and visit my animals, who in all of this are really grounding in their complete unawareness and absolute innocence. I know I can do this, and I take it day by day. I know I will be standing strong at the end, I will be alive and well, and I will get to see my loved ones again, and I will get to have that coffee with a friend and we will get back to having that turkey dinner. But for now, I leave each day behind me as it passes, and when the sun rises on a new morning, I say goodbye to yesterday. Because yesterday was heavy, and I need to put it down.